This is an evil posting.

Let's talk about a coworker of mine. Let's call him "Geoff" to protect his identity - although it's just an alternate spelling of his name.

Now, I don't want to come off sounding mean, but let's just say, I'd hate to be Geoff. There's not a thing about him that I like. He's a few inches taller than me, so I wouldn't mind having that. But other than that, he's everything I consider useless in a human-sized capsule. Let's review the facts:

• For someone who's an engineer, he is the slowest frickin' typist EVER. You say "No, he can't be. Ever?" Ever. There is not a single engineer on this planet that seems as afraid of a keyboard as him (other planets, okay maybe). His finger tips seem reluctant to press down a key, as if afraid of snapping on contact.
  
• He has no sense of navigation through his own computer windows. As engineers, we usually have a few windows open at any one time, and that's fairly normal. If he's in window A, and he switches to window B, he has to flip through windows F, J, and frickin' P to find his way back to A. I'm serious! Even P!! No one should have to go through P to get to A.
  
• When I help him at his desk, his inefficiencies at the keyboard make me want to grab him by the hair with two hands, put both feet at the lumbar support of his chair, and pull, leaning as far back as I can in his confined cubicle space.
  
• He's got the worse English out of everyone in my group, and doesn't even know commonly used technical words in English. In Taiwan, Engineers all have a fairly good technical vocabulary because they use foreign books (i.e. English) throughout their studies. But not him. Maybe he didn't go to school.
  
• He used to be an IC designer at another company before coming to our team as QA. And he recently asked me a question about something I think is BASIC for IC designing (just a coding thing). He must not have been a good IC designer.
  
• He over-uses the sentence "I don't understand."
  
• When you first ask him a question, his answer 50% of the time is in the form of a question "You mean _____?", as if you have to clarify everything. Otherwise, he will repeat the last word of your question.
  
• He makes awful assumptions, which usually are met with disagreement. I particularly enjoy the part where people say "no, you're wrong".
  
• He's got this annoying chuckles that he exercises at all the wrong times... such as when he's making his awful assumptions. Example: [chuckling] "But no one would ever use a memory module like that." "Actually, you're wrong. You're an idiot, Geoff, so shut up and let the adults talk."
  
• He has an awful memory. He does some testing, but can't usually remember any details about the results... which is particularly fun when our manager asks him about his findings.
  
• When he hits an error, he usually just asks someone first before even reading the error message (which often times can easily point out where to look).
  
• When I'm helping him with a problem, he likes to put his sweaty hand down on my desk to get his head close up to the monitor to get a good look... a real good look, I'd say, when he's close enough to lick my flatscreen.
  
• When he puts his hand down, he usually does it on sheets of paper on my desk. And when his lifts his hand, the paper's usually stuck to his frickin' sweaty palm. To add to that, he usually manages to ruffle and wrinkle those sheets when he'll peeling them off his hand. The jerk.
  
• When he doesn't get cheek-to-cheek with my monitor, he stands behind me and leans on the back of my chair. It's like having some annoying guy kicking the back of your seat when you're trying to enjoy a movie. Makes you want to swing around with Zangief arms from Street Fighter II.
  
• He has absolutely no social skills. He's one of those guys who you say Good Morning to or Bye to but has no reply.
  
• When he talks, usually it's slow. I guess he's limited by the processing speed of his brain.
  
• I can't stand the way he walks. Slow and droopy. Not sure if he shuffles his feet, but he seems to be the type that would. Example: a bunch of us were walking into the elevator, maybe 4 in all. People generally step to the sides of an elevator after loading to make way for the people behind them. After #1 and #2 went into the elevator, #3 was Geoff, just taking his time. I, #4, actually ran into him because he caught me off guard with his surprisingly leisure stroll. Again, not trying to be mean, but he might as well hang from a tree and be called a sloth.
  
• Just yesterday afternoon, he burped at my desk while asking me for help, completely filling the air with the smell of his lunch. Ick. A few seconds later, he walked away, and I was left fanning my area with my lab book. Someone needs to stick a few shoe fresheners in his mouth.

But let's face it. People like Geoff make the rest of us look pretty darn good at work, don't they?

Care to share about your colleagues? Maybe paint a picture on a canvas that s/he will never see? Ok, go ahead. Get it off your chest. Feel free to use more than one comment forms if you can't fit it all in one. I know you have a lot to say.